I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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