Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
