1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
