He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
