Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
