My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
