I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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