I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
ttyl tear gas
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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