It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
