I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
