textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
