dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
