We named our party play list daddy issues
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
