you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
