theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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