Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
