I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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