two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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