i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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