It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
