Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
