you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
