My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
