I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
