Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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