I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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