Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
the liver wants what the liver wants
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
