I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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