We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
