Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
