Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
