So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
