checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
