im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she told me i tasted like america
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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