everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
