And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
