I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
