so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
