I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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