I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
