yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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