I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
