at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
