Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
