i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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