FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
