there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
