Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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