I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
