Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
