life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
