we're making bets on your personal life
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
