If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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